February: Expectations, Emotions, and the Middle Space
Grief, growth, and God… again.
I’m writing this in March, looking back on January and February—piecing together the feelings, the lessons, the stretch.
It’s rather funny yet astonishing how some things don’t hit until you’ve had time to sit with them.
February, in particular, was emotionally loaded. Not in a dramatic way, but in a real-life, “I didn't expect to feel this much this often” kind of way.
What I’m Learning
This month taught me a lot about expectations. Not just the ones I speak out loud, but the quiet ones—the ones I hope for without fully expressing. Valentine’s Day didn’t go how I imagined it would, and I caught myself spiraling. I cried. I got in my feelings. I started questioning everything.
But in hindsight, it wasn’t just about Valentine’s Day. It was the build-up of everything else I was carrying: work stress, emotional exhaustion, the pressure of applying to grad school, trying to make the right moves for my future, and still trying to hold space for love in the midst of all that. And don’t forgot the Luteal Phase is not kind to women and those around us.
So when one thing didn’t go how I pictured, it hit harder than it probably should have. Because when you’re running on low—mentally, emotionally, spiritually—even a small disappointment can feel like confirmation of every fear you’ve been trying to silence.
I’m learning that expectations are loud when you’re tired. And maybe, before I expect others to read my mind, I need to rest, reflect, and communicate with clarity—both with others and with myself.
What I’m Letting Go Of
Perfection.. The pressure to be perfect. The pressure to start the year flawlessly.
Let’s be real—January shows up with goals, expectations, and to-do lists dressed like self-worth. I told myself I’d journal daily, start the Bible-in-a-Year plan on January 1st, wake up early, walk at 5 a.m., eat cleaner, hit every goal. No missteps.
But by February? I had barely hit any of them.
Especially not that 5 a.m. walk.
That’s when self-doubt tiptoed into my mind.
Guilt followed.
And failure whispered:
“You’ll never get it right.”
“Why are you even trying?”
And the worst part? I believed it—for a second.
But sometimes that’s all the enemy needs.
Still, this time… faith stepped in.
And I stepped out of shame and back into truth.
Because God doesn’t speak to me like that.
And if He wouldn’t, why should I?
Perfection is a word that I gave a voice that’s tried to live rent-free in my head since my late teens. But I’m learning, year by year, to turn the volume down. I’m learning that discipline without grace is just another form of bondage. And that God is more concerned with my heart than my highlight reel.
So, I’m letting go of the belief that I have to be flawless to be faithful.
That my worth is proven through my checklists.
That missing a goal means missing God.
That having scars means I’m unlovable.
Because these whispers are not of Him.
And I’ll leave the rest of this conversation for my letter.
Yes, I’m writing to you, Perfection.
And I have some things to say.
What I Listened To
February had a sound.
It was mood-heavy, layered, and full of feeling.
Kendrick Lamar stayed on repeat.
SZA too.
The kind of music that doesn’t just entertain—it speaks.
My top songs this month were:
“30 for 30” – SZA ft. Kendrick Lamar
“Mutt” – Leon Thomas
“What Do I Do” – SZA
“Residuals” – Chris Brown
“Wacc’d Out Murals” – Kendrick Lamar
Kendrick Lamar performance at the Super Bowl was great… I watched it more than once on YouTube! Yes, I did. No shame over here.
What Faith Showed Me
This month, faith showed me that I don’t always have to speak first to be heard.
That silence doesn’t mean weakness—and pause doesn’t mean retreat.
Sometimes, clarity comes not in the answers, but in the waiting.
In the sitting.
In the quiet knowing that even when things feel uncertain or unmet, God is still present.
I’ve been learning to trust what I know God said more than what I feel in the moment.
Because my feelings aren’t always facts—sometimes they’re just passing weather.
But God is steady.
And when I let faith lead instead of fear or frustration,
I find a peace that doesn’t need proof to exist.
What I’m Building
Video Footage
This month stretched me.
Between work hours that felt longer than usual and emotional expectations I didn’t even realize I was carrying, I started to feel it—burnout creeping in.
There were days I just sat in my car on lunch, legs up, School Spirit or Gilmore Girls on my iPad, trying to decompress enough to finish the shift.
But even in the overwhelm, I started building something.
I bought a camera.
Started planning this website—the one you’re reading now.
I filmed a few videos. Quiet, simple beginnings, just for me.
I didn’t post them. I didn’t announce anything.
But I started.
And sometimes that’s more than enough.
These low days.
These expectations I’m learning to release.
They’re shaping me.
Not just for the now, but for the later.
So, No new tattoos this month.
Just new layers of honesty.
Still building.
Still growing.
Still watering the plants.
What’s Coming Up Next
March.
A gentle reset.
Not a restart—but a re-grounding.
Hopefully.
xoxo L. P. Wills