January: Grief, Grad School, and God

(A sigh…)

These stories don’t write themselves.

A new year, a new chapter, a new sense of direction.

This month started heavy—like a backpack full of bricks walking uphill in the rain heavy.

And it wasn’t just the weight of the year beginning.

It was grief.

It was growth.

It was a strange mix of starting over while still catching my breath from what ended.

What I’m Learning

Grief doesn’t respect calendars. My cousin passed away on December 30th, but somehow, the mourning followed me into every corner of January. It’s hard to feel “new year, new me” when part of your heart is still catching up to the loss. But I’m learning to hold space for both—the ache and the anticipation. I’m learning that moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering and still choosing to live.

What I’m Letting Go Of

The illusion of control… I’m writing this in March, looking back on January. Looking back on the weight, the grief, the shift.

When someone passes-especially young, especially suddenly—people say things like, “It’s not supposed to be that way.” But I’m learning… we don’t get to say how life is supposed to go.

We think we’re in control, but really—we’re not. We’re in the car, sure. But we didn’t build the road. We didn’t draw the map. We’re driving, but we’re not the designer. And that’s a hard truth to hold—especially in grief. Especially when the timing feels off, or unfair. But somehow, that truth makes faith matter even more.

Because if I can’t control the timeline… All I can do is move with intention. All I can do is be guided by my why.

And my why—the reason I keep showing up—is Jesus.

And following that… It’s my immediate family. The family I pray to create. The people I’ve lost… the ones I’ve gained along the way.

And the ones who’ve stumble across my words—the artists, the feeler, the woman navigating womanhood, the ones in transition, the believers—those who walk with Christ and those still find their way, the ones who just need something soft to land on, and the ones who simply want to read something real.

I’ve been given a lot. Not a perfect life. Not a perfect story. But roots. Love. A tree that may not grow in a straight line—but it has branches.

And even if I don’t always understand the path I’m on, or the things that are brought into—or taken out of—my life, I trust that it’s the path Jesus is leading me on. And because He’s in it, it must be the way.

The roots… They’re what keep the tree growing.

And that’s enough to keep building a legacy from.

What I Listened To

Before I list a single song, let me be honest. Before you side-eye or place judgment where my feet rest—first off, I pray for you.

I get it. I understand.

Some of the music I listened to in January.. Well Let’s just say it was…

Not always “holy.”

Not always moral.

Not always what some would call God-honoring.

But I’m learning to live with grace toward myself because I’m not aiming to look perfect—I’m aiming to walk honestly. This is an area I’m still growing in. Still learning what nourishes me sonically and spiritually. What draws me closer to God—and what might distract me.

Some songs help me heal. Some give me language for things I couldn’t say yet. Some just remind me that I’m still here, still human, still feeling. I believe God walks with me through every part of the journey. Even through playlists, Even though the songs I loop while I’m healing, growing, or sitting in quiet moments of grief.

So yeah—my playlist might not be your cup of tea. But it was mine this month. And I’m learning, not just what to listen to—but how to listen better.

I’m not here to excuse everything I do. But I also won’t sit in shame. That voice that says, “See? You’re not good enough.” That’s not God. That’s guilt, dressed up as conviction.

So if you’re still listening to secular music, still figuring it out like me—You’re not alone. I’m not here to condemn.

I’m just here,

walking it out with grace.

One lyric at a time.

Top Artist:

• It was James Arthur (and oldie but a goodie)

Most Played Songs:

• SZA ft Kendrick Lamar - 30 For 30

• Ella Henderson - Filthy Rich

• SZA - What Do I Do?

• Coco Jones - Here We Go (Uh Oh)

• Morgan Wallen - Smile

What Faith Showed Me

Faith showed up differently this month. It wasn’t loud or overbearing—it was personal. I got my first tattoo in January: Remember Your Way , with birds flying above the letters.

It’s more than ink on skin. It’s a reminder that God place me here for a reason—not just to survive, but to live with purpose and love. Every time I look at it, I’m reminded of His love, of my calling, of the quiet way He’s always guiding me—even when I forget.

The birds carry even more meaning. They represent my family—those still here and the ones who lay at rest. My grandparents, my cousins, my parents, and the family I’ll be honored to nurture one day. They all live in that piece. That tattoo reminds me that I’m not doing this for a season. I’m doing this for a reason. And faith, even when it’s gentle, keeps pointing me back to that why.

At Boris’s Tattoo Shop

What I’m Building

I’m building a life my future kids can be proud to wake up in. A life where they don’t have to wonder where their next meal is coming from or if love will meet them at the door. I want them to lay witness of all that God has done within me for them —creating a home where peace lives and faith leads.

I may have low days now and then—Grief. Loss. Stress. PMSing. But even in those moments, I’m being shaped. They’re teaching me how to show up with grace, with presence, with compassion. Because I’ve walked those walls before happy or sad. And I may, on occasion, still walk them again. But over time, I’ve gotten better at navigating them. I pray and I continue to grow.

So when the time comes, I can show up for the family I pray God places at my feet one day. And if He doesn’t? That’s okay too. Because I trust the path is paved for me.

In January, I finished my grad school application for counseling. That was a big step toward becoming a licensed professional counselor—toward owning my own clinic, holding space for others, and continuing to write and lead with both the Word and the wisdom this journey has given me.

It’s wild to say it out loud, but it is right. Like my feet are finally on a path that’s being built with intention.

What’s Coming Up Next

February is here, and I’m walking into it with more clarity and care. Not rushing, just pacing myself. I want to take what January taught me—especially the hard parts—and let it shape how I move forward. More faith. More softness. More honesty. And maybe even more tattoos.

xoxo L. P. Wills