Weeks 20-24: Gaslight, Grasp, Grace
Lord,
The past few weeks have been full — good moments, overwhelming ones, answered prayers, anxious thoughts, quiet revelations. But through it all, I kept walking… because You kept meeting me there.
I left off at Week 19—reading Job, starting Exodus, getting my steps in, writing Emerge. Back then, life felt structured. Slow. Intentional. But then came the wave—new job, new emotions, new lessons I wasn’t ready to write down just yet.
This isn’t a recap. It’s a collection. A gathering of what’s been unfolding while I was too busy feeling, stretching, stumbling, and praying my way through it.
Gentle Moments That Felt Like God
One of the first things I remember after Week 19 was a soft moment with my nephew. I was crying quietly one day, and he noticed. He didn’t just see sadness—he responded with care. Left the room and came back with “Fluffy,” his orange stuffed bear. “Fluffy will be with you,” he said. “Now are you happy?” That moment reminded me of myself as a child. The way I used to want to fix things, to help people not feel sad. But God is gently teaching me: you can love, you can be present—but healing is not yours to carry.
Starting The Job Finding My Rhythm
I started a new job. Signed the offer. Showed up. Was immediately handed three clients on Day One. The job structure was different. The goal wasn’t just data collection—it was about creating functional human beings. Kids who can thrive. I loved that.
But I was also overwhelmed.
The drive to work is an hour each way. My gas tank doesn’t love it. My brain didn’t either, at first. I started feeling tired, overstimulated, and a little lost. I cried after work more than once. I thought about quitting. Not because it wasn’t good—but because it was a lot. A lot of learning. A lot of pressure. A lot of being needed while I myself was trying to breathe.
Falling, Not Failing
Around the same time, a familiar person reentered my life—and the emotional weight of that interaction made everything feel heavier. I eventually let go again because I had some things to untangle. During this period, I slowed down with my Bible reading. I started doom scrolling again on TikTok after taking a break from Instagram. I wasn’t reading every day like I had been in earlier weeks. But I kept attending church service. I kept praying. And I kept talking to God—especially in the car. Those long drives? They became sacred. Sometimes filled with tears, sometimes laughter, sometimes silence—but always full of God. I talk to Him like He’s riding shotgun. “Did You hear what Torey said in that song?” I’ll say out loud. Some might call me crazy. I call it communion.
“God, Should I?”
During all this, another job opportunity came. One I really was waiting to hear back from. I interviewed. I prayed. “God, should I be doing this?” I asked. I’m already going part-time at my current job, but I’ll just work there during summers if I get it. If I don’t, I’ll stay. Either way—I trust He’s writing the better story.
The Work, The Writing, The Website
I paused on Hi Little Humans and returned to Emerge. It’s calling me louder right now. I even catch myself making voice notes about it during my commute. I’ve also been quietly building my website behind the scenes. Redid the whole thing—again. But this time, it feels right. I love it. It launches June 22nd, and I’m finally ready.
Lessons On The Way
In these weeks, I’ve learned:
• Doom scrolling might numb you, but it also delays you.
• It’s okay to stumble as long as your direction is still toward Christ.
• God doesn’t ask for perfection—He asks for your posture.
• Using the tools from work (like ABC data) on yourself can lead to powerful self-awareness. (More on that soon…)
• Emotional healing doesn’t come from figuring everything out. Sometimes it comes from being quiet long enough to hear Him reveal it, slowly.
I’m Not Running, I’m Walking
So yes, I’ve stumbled lately. I’ve slowed down. I’ve doomscrolled. I’ve gotten in my feelings—but I didn’t stay there. I didn’t spiral. I caught myself. And more importantly, God caught me.
I’m still here—still writing, still repenting, still listening, still growing. Still walking in faith. Still committed to the path He set before me. Because this is who I am: I’m a follower of Christ. Whether I disappear for a while or show up online every day that truth remains.
And I’m learning to stand on that hill and wave that flag proudly. Not because I’m perfect, but because I know who carries me. These weeks of silence from Life Lately weren’t a falling away—they were weeks of clarity. Moments where God showed me things about myself I hadn’t fully faced before.
In ABA terms, I found the true antecedent—not just the behavior, not just the feeling, but the root. And once I saw the full picture, I couldn’t unsee it. God used the pause to pull back the curtain.
I realized that for so long, I was living life through childhood lenses. Making decisions, responding to pain, and relating to others from a place that hadn’t fully healed. God kept bringing me back to Lot’s wife—and I used to think it was just about not looking back. But now I know: it wasn’t just the looking. It was the longing. Longing for what God was trying to pull her from. I’m not longing for the past—but I’ve looked back. And in doing so, I’ve started to see the why. Not to stay there. But to heal from there.
We can’t live 95% in the past and expect to thrive in the present. And we can’t grow into who we’re becoming if we’re still trying to protect the child in us who never got what they needed.
But I’m learning. And by God’s grace, I’m growing. This catch-up wasn’t just a recap—it was a realization. A return. A breath. A reset. And I know now more than ever…
I’m not running. I’m walking. Because even slow steps still move you forward when you’re being led by God.